As it turns out, looking for a room to rent is an entirely new level of Dante's Hell. To be clear, I am not referring to renting an apartment, which, as tedious/expensive as it may be what with filling out rental apps, paying an astronomical deposit and paying for the credit check, is still a lot more pleasant than the process of finding a room. At least with an apartment, you know that when all is said and done, you got what you thought you were paying for. And if there are any schizzo roommates in the equation it's because you signed a lease with them or invited them to live with you to help with the rent. (Mileage may and does vary.)
When you rent a room out of someone's home, however, while you may be avoiding having to sign a lease or permit a peek at your credit history, the aggravation you miss in the usual process is more than made up for elsewhere. Case in point: the kinds of people you will inevitably end up dealing with. Once in a very blue moon you may get lucky and find functioning people, but that does not seem to be the norm for those who advertise a spare room for rent.
In fact, renting a room is kind of like using public transportation. You hope that you don't find yourself seated next to that guy on the bus with the inexplicably enlarged pupils who waits for you to nod off and then beheads you and eats your organs.
How Psychotic Are They?
Homeowners fall into multiple categories, sometimes simultaneously, each one more spectacularly bad than the one before it. Invariably, these people have been told, or have read some corporately consolidated media fucktard writer's thoughts about all the nifty extra cash they can be making by renting out the spare room in their home. The thing is tho that few of these people looking for easy money ever think past their own noses. All they can see are the dollar signs. And regardless of location, nowhere else can you experience firsthand the unchecked, undiagnosed mental illness/dysfunction of the average American than by renting a room. College roommates be damned.
I would surmise that approximately 95% of those who rent rooms out of their homes fall into one (or several) of the following categories.
Because you believe that you should be issued a check every month and not otherwise be inconvenienced by the boarder's existence, you make it a point to wake up at the ass crack of dawn on your days off and make as much noise as you can. You call this "housework," but what you're really doing is channeling your inner cunt.
Bizarre: A "partitioned" living room with zero privacy for the "low" price of $650.00.
And why would I pay that price to sleep on your smelly sofa and be subjected to you walking around in your stained skivvies?
Fuck You Pay Me: Can't use kitchen, laundry, or ever be present.
Really? Why don't you include your address right there in the ad with instructions to just mail you the monthly rent check. Or provide a Pay Pal account? That way the boarder doesn't even have to bother moving in.
Unrealistic: Must fill out a credit check and have references.
This one always makes me LOL - Newsflash, Pollyanna: A person who is seeking to rent a room isn't going to have good credit and references. And if he did, he would just sign a fucking lease for his own apartment and have roommates.
Unreasonable: The "room" is actually a glorified closet in the attic that is accessed by climbing up a vertical, rickety ladder and can only be "enjoyed" by lying on your back because the ceiling clearance is 3 feet.
Seriously? I think the homeowner would have better luck buying a casket and renting it out from the living room. The casket would be a lot more comfortable/cooler and at least pick up the wifi signal better.
Unstable: Lifestyle alternates between 72 hours of mania followed by an additional 72 of crash caused by the ingestion of psychotropic prescription pills; may or may not have been 5150'd several times before.
Ah yes, my particular favorite. You know, I was just saying the other day that there aren't nearly enough attention whores popping pills in this country. There really needs to be a lot more people threatening suicide and pretending to be depressed sufficient so that their friends/family are duped into buying the bullshit and end up calling the cops in a panic for help with an involuntary psychiatric hold.
Assholery: Sets an appointment and then in the meantime, rents the room to someone else.
You don't find out that you're shit outta luck unless you call to confirm the appointment. And that's only IF the asshole takes the call/bothers to call you back.
Extreme Assholery Coupled with Douchebaggery: (EACD) Shows you the room then takes over an hour to assess whether or not your money is good. Bloviates to you that there have been many calls about it but the homeowner is being picky and wants to find the "right" fit. After boring the shit out of you about gosh, gee how fortuitous it was to find such an excellent boarder as yourself, thereby convincing you that you have the room, you get a text msg the next morning stating that it was promised to someone else. Thanks for playing and good luck to you!
The level of douchery involved in this particular scenario is truly astonishing. If you promised a room to another prospective boarder, then WHY would you keep taking calls and showing the room to others?
Because you are an unethical, self-serving, opportunistic piece of shit, that's why.
These are just a few of the highlights, boys & girls. I'm sure more will be discovered as time passes. If you do happen to find yourself looking at the room rental ads, there really is no tried and true way to know in advance what level of douchenozzle you'll be paying rent to since they are all on their very best behavior. It isn't until after you move in that you find out you're living with a sack of shit who should be sterilized to prevent the reproduction of another generation of worthless assholes.
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